Lucy: F*** Machu Picchu, that baby sloth is the best thing i've seen the whole time we've been away!
Jill (to her american girlfriend): Do you have pancake day in America?
Jess: (Looks blank)
Jill: Oh no, everyday is pancake day for you bunch of fat t***s isn't it!
Yaz: What are those things you wear when you dive that make you look like a seal?
Tom: A wet suit?
Yaz: Yes!
Lucy: Who's that guy in the black cape with the big stick that comes when your dead? ...Darth Vader?
Russel: Darth Vader is from StarWars you retard!
Lucy: Who is it then?
Russel: The grim reaper.
Lucy: Oh yeah...
Lucy: (pretending) RUSS! SPIDER!
Russel: (panicked) WHAAA!!?
Lucy: Hahaha
...2 mins later
Lucy: SPIDER!
Russ: WHA?! (angry) LUCY THAT IS NOT A THING TO BE DOING!
Barman at hostel in Mancora: Vodka and...?
Russel: Orange juice!
Barman (some time later): Vodka and pineapple?
Russel: No vodka and orange juice!
Barman: Here you go vodka and mango...
Russel: No it's ORANGE JUICE!
Barman (some more time later): Here you go sorry the mango was in front of the pineapple juice...
Russel: But we wanted orange juice!
Barman: Sorry thats what I meant.
Our guide at Machu Picchu who liked to talk about plants: So these japanese tourists took loads of photos...
Russ: Did they take pictures of every plant you pointed out to them?
Guide: Yeah
Russ: (muttering over his shoulder to Lucy) Must have had a big memory card then...
Damien to Hannah (trying to save money): No the hostel water is too expensive, if you want I can boil some tap water and put it in the fridge for you?
Shani's mispronunciations in Mexico...
- Brad Pitt and that Joleena Jelly - they're not married!
- (Whilst talking to a waiter named Alex) Shani: Ooh thanks Lee!
Jess: Mum his name is Alex?
Shani: Yes but he looks like Lee Evans!
- (In reference to Jess's Ernest Hemingway cocktail): Oh Jess are you ordering another one of those 'Herbert-whatchimacallits'?
- (When ordering a bottle of Gallio rose at dinner): Jess get some of your 'Diablo' wine...
Street seller aproaching Lucy: Lady! Tableclothes, beautiful tableclothes for sale!
Lucy: No thanks I do not want a tablecloth
Seller: Why! You don't have a table?
Lucy: No I don't have a table
Seller: I can sell you a table!
Lucy to Jess (looking over at the pool bar): So are the barmen in the water too?
Lucy walking into our room in Mexico (looking at the drinks stand in the room): Why aren't there any biscuits in the biscuit tin?
Russel: Thats an ice bucket!
Russel (cold on plane): Oh god this is like being in a big...ice...fridge!
Lucy: A freezer?
Russel: Yes with bags of frozen peas everywhere.
Lucy at Quilmes ruins: So these walls aren't old are they?
Russel: What are you talking about, thats all there is?
Lucy: No, they look too new.
Russel: So where are the ruins then, what are we actually here for?
Lucy: No need to be a dick.
Lucy: If a wizard turned me into a micro pig would you still go out with me?
Since we started travelling Lucy has taken to describing how Russel looks using a range of different animals and objects. These include:
An Acorn
A Peanut
A Meerkat
A Tortoise
A Pebble
Playdoh face
A Raisen
A Fox
A Seal
A Cat
Most of these relate to his so called 'small head'.
Whilst in a hire car driving to see whales and sealions (in Puerto Madryn - whale watching capital of Argentina)...
Russel: Whatever happens we have to see whales today!
Jenny (a girl we met in Bariloche): They beat Scotland didn't they?
Russel: Are you talking about the rugby?
MUPPET!!!
Lucy whilst raiding the hotel room in Bariloche for any freebies: "Shall we take these steam room oils?"
Russel: "Yeah, i'll just get my portable steam room out!"
Russ after visiting a toilet:
"You know those guys who sit in the toilet all day cleaning it and stuff for tips... well he wasn't looking when I walked out so I put my hand in the pot and jiggled it around to make it sound like I'd put money in and he said gracias"
During our final Spanish lesson our teacher started talking about farmyard animals..."They have horses, cows, sheep, hams...."
Whilst watching some locals in a bar eating 1 slice of pizza each and leaving the rest...
Russel (very angry): Even if I'd eaten dinner I'd still eat all of that pizza and then eat yours too!
Lucy: Do not piss me off metaphorically.
Our Skegness friend Frank in reply to a loud (large) American tourist at the Boca stadium, going on about his 'hair of the dog theory'...
American: ...and we've been drinking all morning, it's the best cure really - stay drunk.
Frank: SHUUUUUT UP! THAT'S WHY YOU'RE SO FAT MATE!
At a bar that gave us free bombay mix style pub snacks with our bottle of wine...
Russ: Luce do you need me to move them away from you?
Lucy: YES! You wouldn't ask a heroin addict if they need their needles moved away from them would you!
After deciding to leave the rest of their takeaway pizza for later...
Lucy: Lets leave it in the box on the balcony in a bag so the bugs don't get to it
Russ: What about the vultures?
Lucy after £200 of Spanish lessons for 5 months: How do you say hello in Spanish?
Girls and football (specifically Lucy and football):
(Whilst watching Peñarol vs. Tanque)
Lucy:
-Would either of these teams ever play Portsmouth? ...Even in the FA Cup?
-What happens if the drummer goes on holiday?
-Who nominates the drummer, or does he volunteer?
-Who writes the chants? ...and how do they all learn the words?
-Why don't they all not wear football shirts? Then they wouldn't fight!
-It seems different on TV... Oh its because I haven't got the commentator in my head.
El Viajero Hostel Montevideo check-in...
Man on desk (looking at our passports): So you're brothers?...
[Looks up] Ahh sorry I always get confused with passports.
Lucy finds a window open on the laptop from where Russel was googling how to spell St Tropez...he had written 'Santra Pe'
Russ ordering a beer from John at the El Diablo Tranquilo Hostel bar -
John: Sure why not, how many Fridays do you get like this eh?
Russ:..Its Tuesday isn't it?
John: Close enough.
Playing table tennis:
Russel: Love - 2
Lucy: I love you too...
Russ (with his own beer): Can you leave your beer in the shade so its cold when I finish it off?
Russel reading about Uruguay's history in the Lonely Planet: What is a Jet Suit?
Lucy: It says Jesuit......
Russel looking at a tramp asleep on the street: No wonder tramps don't have any money - they don't do any bloody work!
Lucy: Can we give that busker some money?
Russ: No! I don't give money to English tramps!
Lucy: Yeah but he's blowing a leaf!
Russ getting into a taxi that he knew would cost over 50 R$: Listen, I don't care what he says... I'm not paying more than 2 for this.
George from the Kaissara Hostel: There was a lizard here once and it got so scared it shat its tail off!
Whilst talking to our South African friends in Trindade about some of the natural wonders of the world...
Lucy: Is table mountain naturally flat or did they make it like that?
Lucy (at Ilha Grande street party): Russel why don't you go on the bucking bronco?
Russel: Hmmm I'd like to, but i'm a bit worried about the hygiene situation...
Russel: I think I'm going to have a seizure
Lucy: A shisha?
Russel: No a sheena. Hang on. What are we talking about?
Lucy (drunk trying to make Russel down more rum): Russel I'm not drunk and you need to 'DINK' more! (sober as a judge)
Eric Clapton - Cocaine playing in bar...
Russel: Lucy who do you think sings this?
Lucy: James Brown
Russel (pissing himself): James Brown?
Lucy: My second guess was Bob Marley?
Russel (pissing himself even more): Try again...
Lucy (reels off): Freddie Mercury, Kurt Cobain and after being given the hint 'amazing guitar player' - Jimmy Hendrix.
Classic!!!
Russel: Organisation is how I get through life...
Russel: Look how full the moon is... Lucy: Yeah is it because were closer to it, were on the curved bit of the world?
Russel: What?
Lucy: The round bit...
Russel: CONFUSED!
Rachel: "Lucy make sure you wear breathable knickers... so you don't get a sweaty vag" hahaha